


Found Soul

by LibraLibrary



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, be warned it's heavy, but it goes from angst to something more hopeful as it goes, it's the true pacifist fight so nobody's gonna stay dead, please protect this depressed bisexual lizard, seriously folks I'm not sugarcoating Alphys's suicidal depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-16
Updated: 2015-11-16
Packaged: 2018-05-02 00:27:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5226911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LibraLibrary/pseuds/LibraLibrary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Self-worth is a slippery, fleeting little devil, and the bastard flower that killed you isn't helping.</p><p>Takes place during the final fight of the True Pacifist run, following Alphys from one purgatory to the next.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Found Soul

Alphys doesn’t know she’s dead, and she wants to die.

She’s wearing her dress, she knows that much, but everything else is confusing and chaotic and loud and it scares her. She can’t tell where she is, or what’s happening, but there’s a voice in her head, cruel and taunting, and she recognizes it. It’s not her own internal voice this time. It’s that damned flower (why does it hate her so much?).

_You failed them. You failed everyone. You had a chance to free everyone and you hurt them instead. You want to die, don’t you? You should._

The words are bitter and acidic, but nothing she hasn’t thought before herself. They’ve already eroded away as much of her as possible, leaving nothing more than a resilient but raw bundle of frayed nerves and self-hatred. She agrees.

_You should’ve jumped into the abyss when you had the chance._

But she didn’t, right? Why didn’t she?

Because Undyne-

_And what good did that do you? What good has it done her? You lied to her, and to everyone. Do you really think she’ll give a damn about you when she finds out? Maybe she’ll kill you herself. You should’ve saved her the trouble. When she asked what was down there, you should’ve offered to find out and jumped._

That would’ve been clever, wouldn’t it have? What’s it called when you think of a cool line way too late? The facts that someone wants her dead, and that she agrees, don’t even phase her anymore. She broke a long time ago-

There’s a human. She’s not sure where they came from, or who they are, but below the waves of numbness there’s a spark of fear. She doesn’t know whether to run or attack (why would she attack anything, she’s never attacked-), but before she can do anything, the human speaks.

“What’s your favorite cartoon?”

There’s an answer bubbling up her throat, a long, excited stream of consciousness about all the great shows she has back in the lab, but it can’t break through the haze.

_Everyone wants you dead Alphys. Even you want yourself dead. They aren’t any different._

_“You hate me, don’t you…?”_

She can barely hear her own voice over the sound (the silence?) of the place, but what does reach her ears is soft and sad. Her self-pity is reaching new lows, and the voice inside rubs it in. A volley of attacks appear all around her, aiming for the human, and she’s not sure how, but she knows she’s doing it. She wonders where Mettaton is for a moment, and gets scared (where’s Mettaton where’s Undyne where’s Papyrus-) but the voice spits more hatred.

_But nobody came._

“I’ll continue to support you, Alphys.”

Something is moving underneath the numbness, and she starts to remember something…

_“I have to keep lying…”_

But does she? Something inside is biting at her, screaming, trying to be heard over her own self-loathing and the flower’s manipulations. No, she doesn’t, because someone knows, and they forgive her, and why wouldn’t anyone else…

“Alphys?”

It’s a whisper, and she can barely hear it over the noise and the attacks crashing down around them. 

“I don’t know the answer to this question, can you help me?”

There’s a spark of memory, her hands coming together to form a letter, and once that little moment sneaks past, others come flooding through.

Working up the courage to dial the human, watching from the lab and reviewing the script.

Pulling the dress out of the closet for the first time, apprehensive, but eager to make amends for fooling the kid.

Undyne holding her close, rubbing her back as she bares her heart. Coming to, dazed in the trashcan, as Undyne admires her passion. Papyrus’s smile, so eager to help her learn to love herself.

Failing.

Going home.

Pouring out the last of a bag of dog food, and setting out a few bowls of noodles in the lab.

Retreating to a darkened corner, a little personal hideaway, and rolling the bottle of sedatives in her hands, trying to convince herself it wouldn’t hurt.

And the sound of little, easily recognizable footsteps, and a child calling her name in fear.

Throwing the bottle over her shoulder, and feeling her stomach unclench as it shatters against the floor, one less chance to make a mistake.

Because the human needs her.

She needs to help the human. She needs to save the human. She needs to _stop hitting the human!_

“No, that’s not true!”

None of it’s true. She doesn’t have to lie anymore, to the others or herself. The human doesn’t hate her. Nobody does.

“My friends like me! And I like you, too!”

The numbness retreats, and with it the voice, hissing and screaming in unbridled rage, but she can’t hear it as the child hugs her.

~*~

Alphys takes a gasp of air, and struggles to sit up. For a moment, the setting, a field of yellow flowers, scares her senseless (a field of them, a whole field of the bastards). A moment passes, a gentle breeze lightly stirring petals and the edge of her coat, but the harsh words and vicious vines never arrive. This is a normal flower patch.

At least, as normal as it can be, with the others standing rigid in a circle around the warped soul terrorizing them. 

She reaches up to her throat, massaging the tender flesh. She can still feel the throbbing pain of a vine wrapped tight around her neck, but it’s no longer there (he strangled her to death in front of all her friends, drew it out and let her suffer and hear them suffer, and the last thing she got to hear over the static was Undyne screaming her name and the flower asking if this wasn’t what she had always wanted). She’s dead, she understands, but for whatever reason, she’s neither as satisfied as she would’ve expected at her lowest, or as afraid as she expected at her highest. Something’s happening, and she’s not so sure it’s really the end.

The child is to her right, standing before Undyne, and though neither of them are moving, she can tell something’s happening, she’s just not allowed to see it. A cut randomly appears on the child’s arm out of nowhere, slowly dripping blood, and Undyne’s fists clench and unclench. Alphys should be terrified. Undyne doesn’t realize what she’s doing, she doesn’t remember that the child is their friend, what if she hurts them, what if she-

Alphys stands up, and goes over to the immobilized warrior, and takes her hand. She trusts the child. 

She knows they’ll free her too.

Her faith is rewarded; Undyne’s hand tightens around Alphys’s, and the fish woman takes a gigantic gasp, grabbing at her chest (she expects vines, the flower had constricted around her like a snake, crushing her chest like an empty can, and she hadn’t even fought back, couldn’t fight back, because she was too busy staring through watery eyes in disbelief as the dust that was the girl she loved drifted to the ground like ash) and falling to her knees. 

“It’s alright Undyne, just breathe. Breathe.”

Undyne glances up in disbelief, desperate pants evening out, and it takes her a moment to process that she’s not alone. “A...Alphys?”

The lizard doesn’t get a chance to answer, she only gets to smile and open her mouth before the taller woman flings herself at her, knocking both to the ground. Neither of them can decipher the wordless babbles of joy and relief, but the message is still clear: “I thought I lost you”.

The two lay in the field of flowers, ignoring the distant sounds of battle and the fact that they’re still dead. It’ll be alright. The kid can fix this, and they’re together. That’s all they need right now. Undyne covers Alphys’s face in little kisses, and for once, she let’s herself believe she deserves them.

**Author's Note:**

> What started as "what if Alphys was just about to do something 'cowardly' when she realized you were in the True Lab?" turned into "please dear god let this little science reptile have five minutes of self-esteem".
> 
> Flowey is exactly the type of bastard to draw out killing the monsters to enjoy their fear and suffering, and he'd slowly and tortuously kill Alphys to break Undyne's heart and you know it.


End file.
